It all started one summer afternoon, it’s amazing how you can just remember every detail of one event. I still see the door, the keys I used to open it. 
I was three years old, spending the summer at my grandma’s house with my uncle. She was making dinner, I got bored and wanted to go outside. So I snuck out. I knew that my uncle was with his friends outside, they all where around seventeen years old. I don’t know what happened after that, I don’t know if I found him or what. All I know is that he found me, and saved my life by rolling me on the ground. He had burns on his hands from saving me. Someone, somehow set me on fire. The only person who knows what happened is my uncle, but he has PTSD from that incident, that he doesn’t remember what happened.

I have scars on my face and arms. I had a jacket and under shirt on that day, that saved me from having burns all over the rest of my body. I spent most of my childhood in the hospital, going from surgery to surgery. That made my childhood pretty lonely. Most of my friends during that time were patients too. So seeing people with burns, or missing limbs is normal to me. 
I don’t remember most of my surgeries, I do remember the doctors asking me what kind of story I wanted to dream about, and I always chose Cinderella. Once I went in for a kind of small surgery, alternation to my bottom lip. We didn’t have a car then, so my mom and I had to take the train back home, that was the first time when I noticed people looking at me. Well a small girl with blood and stitches on her face, I guess I would look as well. The last big surgery happened when I was 16, new technology came, laser technology . It was one of the worst experiences I had. I couldn’t go in the sun for a month, keeping my scars wet with a special cream which I had to wash off every evening with salty water, so imagine putting salt into open wounds on half of your face, every day for a month.

I have to say that most of my experiences where good, but once I went to a different plastic surgeon, and when I asked what else can we do, she asked me what more do I want, that I look good already. 
I can say that I got lucky that I was a little child, I don’t know how not to have scars now. A life without scars is unknown to me. One day one of my school friends asked me “how are you doing it, just walk on the street, I would cover myself up ” and I asked her if I should start to wear a ski mask? So with scars on the face, you can’t do anything, there is no way to cover them up. 

Of course I have some trouble still, people looking at me all the time. When I was teenager I never had a boyfriend, who would want to have a girl with scars all over. And later in life I had some boyfriends, but basically all the men in my life just used me. I was just happy that someone wanted me, I let them abuse me happily. And then I got married. And he beat me, psychically tortured me. I let him for five years, I was so scared to leave  him. I was scared to be alone. Until one sunny summer day. I left him. Since then I’m working on knowing my own value knowing that I deserve to be loved. 

“There’s beauty in all imperfections”

You are never really prepared for traumatic events to happen in your life. So at 19 becoming an amputee was the last thing I thought would happen. I was a full time college student studying to be a nurse, working as a CNA at the hospital, and enjoying my new life of independence. I remember the day of my car accident so vividly, what I wore that day, how I spent the day and I have went back a million times wondering how I could have done it all differently.

I left my job at 11:00pm that night, decided to meet up with some friends and only 42 minutes after getting in the vehicle we hit a fence. I often hear people say that your brain blocks out traumatic events, however I remember every single second right after it. I didn’t realize I was hurt until I tried to get out and that’s when I realized my left leg was pinned. I looked over to see a pole going through the middle of the backseat and thinking to myself that had I been a few inches over it would have went through my chest. I’m not really sure how long I was pinned, just that I was in worse shape than I thought if it required them to cut me out of the vehicle. I still never imagined what it would eventually lead to though. 

The first few days after the wreck were a blur. I do remember looking down and seeing that my left foot was purple and my toenails bright pink. Next clear image I have is of the doctor coming in and telling me and my family that their attempts to save my leg were unsuccessful and they would have to amputate. I sat there crying, screaming and begging them to just let me die. I look back and can’t imagine now as a mother hearing your child say this, it shatters my heart. The initial amputation took place on December 13th, 3 days after the accident. I then underwent 8 more surgeries in a month and a half due to complications with the threat of having to amputate above the knee if the last surgery didn’t solve the issues. Being able to keep your knee is huge for prosthetic fittings and quality of life. The physical pain was sometimes unbearable but the emotional pain of looking down and seeing only one foot is something I can’t put into words. There was something about seeing the sheet on the bed lay flat over where my leg should have been that stuck with me. Sure, the hospital tried to have people who had prosthetics come talk to me but I left with no way of knowing how to cope. The positive to being so stubborn was that I was back up and walking 6 weeks after my last surgery but the downside was that I never dealt mentally or emotionally with what had happened to me. I hated my first prosthetic, they couldn’t cosmetically cover it, so here I lost my leg and it was replaced was with a metal pole. It was months of physical therapy, learning how to walk all over again. I quickly started to go back to life just as I had before the accident. I was back in school and working again as a CNA but I was a mess! In my mind if I could go back to where I was prior then I wouldn’t have to cope with it, somehow it wasn’t real. So instead of coping I numbed the pain of it all. I was so angry, bitter, and just not very much fun to be around. I pushed people away as I was so angry that I was dealing with this and here everyone else didn’t have to.  One of my biggest mistakes when I look back now is never seeking any counseling to help me learn to deal with it all. I continued for years to pretend things were okay. I spent years dreading summers, invites to the lake, never wearing shorts, and finding myself in terrible relationships after being told by someone that nobody would ever love me again. It’s hard for me to look back  accept how I treated people and the choices I continued to make. I have to say that the 6 years after the accident were the hardest.

It will be 17 years since the accident this December and I am happy to say that life is so good. It’s more than good really, it’s something I don’t take for granted. I enjoy and find beauty in the little things of life and it’s only the little things that I miss the most, wearing flips flops, being able to just slide shoes on and off, the feeling of sand and grass on both feet, being able to sit comfortably Indian style and just being able to go get any type of shoes that I want. It has helped me become a person who understands that things truly can be worse. I celebrate 14 years this month of being a nurse, after so many telling me I would never be able to meet the physical demand of the profession. I purchased my own home in 2017, have a job as a Certified Sedation Registered Nurse and I have an amazing little girl, and engaged to the sweetest most caring man I’ve ever met. I have surrounded myself with people who make me want to be a better person. I have sought counseling over the years to help me cope, I have turned to my faith more for comfort and understanding, but most importantly I became a mommy. This 6 year old precious baby girl is what saved me and she doesn’t even realize it. I spent 10 years never wearing shorts out because I hated the stares of being different, 10 years of trying so hard to hide something that has ultimately made me such a better person. I made a decision when I had Ellie that I wanted her to know it was okay to be different, it was okay to go out and have people stare but know that many aren’t being mean, just curious. To take it as an opportunity to help them understand. I promised myself that I would never let my insecurities affect her. She doesn’t even realize it but she is the reason I am now comfortable in my own skin, even if part of it is man made. To her, having a mommy with a leg that has to be put on and looks slightly different is normal. So normal that she likes to take limbs off her babies, which makes me laugh. It’s honestly the sweetest thing when she tries to hand it to me because she is getting impatient with me getting out of bed. I will spend the rest of my life with hurdles of having blisters, needing crutches at times, and just having to sometimes adjust to certain situations and while those times can get me easily frustrated I always try to remind myself to be thankful for all the good things.

People often say to me “I don’t know how you did it” and I used to reply with “I just did what anyone else would do in this situation” but I now know that’s not true. I have always been someone who when I want something, I go for it. I didn’t get to this place alone, I would have never have gotten this far without my mom, dad, sister, and brother in law. They never left my side from the first of many days in the hospital, celebrating my first steps again, to cheering me on through every step. They have been instrumental in helping me get to where I am today and I will forever be grateful. I have an amazing team at Scott Sabolich that know my life is busy and they always get me fitted with prosthetics that allow me to continue doing what I love. This journey hasn’t been without many tears and frustrations but it’s been a journey that I have become so thankful for. Everyone copes and deals with traumatic events in their life differently and I’ve learned that no way is wrong, because without those dark times I would never be able to fully appreciate the great and small things in life. I’m thankful it was my left leg so I didn’t have to learn to drive again, that I can walk into a store and carry things out without being on crutches, overall that I have a pretty normal life with just minor adjustments to get my days started. The only regret is that I didn’t get this tattoo on my left leg instead of my right, hate this tattoo. I try to imagine what life would be like had I not gotten in the car that night and I can’t imagine it would be as good as it is now, so when I saw an opportunity to share my story and put it out for all to see I knew I had to do it or I never would. It has been on my bucket list to have my story and photos shared, to finally show all of me. I guess I felt like by doing so it was the final step in my healing. I have hope my story can reach out and help someone who is an amputee see that life after an amputation is still worth living, that it does get better. I want to say thank you to all who have helped me along the way, kept me laughing about it, sat and cried with me, and just stood by me through it all. Not one of you have ever gone unnoticed and know that I am eternally grateful for you.